Intimacy Needs of a Woman
In the following Q&A session, I respond to a client who is a single woman who longs for a fulfilling intimate relationship. Since I know her, I go beyond her original question with my answer.
Dear Benita: I’m wondering if men need deep emotional intimacy to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship. It seems that is key for most women’s fulfillment, but do men really place a high value on having this component in relationship, or do they simply not need this aspect as much as women? Thanks. T.
Dear T: Thank you for your question. Many women wonder about this, and it gives me a good opportunity to address the issue. Even if we were to agree that men are not made for emotional intimacy like women, entertaining that conversation will not help you create a healthy romance. You pay me for my candidness and ability to get to the bottom line, so here goes. Intimacy only occurs on a personal and specific level, and your question comes from the general level. You are not looking for a "general" man. You are looking for a particular type of man. Engaging in such general questions with your girl friends is a waste of your time and precious energy. Since we’re talking about your desire for intimacy, let’s be intimate in our conversation, OK?
I’ll re-frame your question. "What about my self attracts men who are not emotionally intimate?" This question assumes that you have a great deal to do with who saunters into your personal space and who you allow to stay there.
Men do exist who enjoy being emotionally intimate. I know several of them. It’s important to stop blaming men, and become more astute about the men you choose. Your unhappiness with men is related to your own selection process. Take responsibility for attracting only men who want to be emotionally intimate. Your conscious and subconscious mind drives your selection process, so it is very important to become even more aware of what is going on inside your mind. If you want to attract a different type of man, you have to upgrade your internal computer.
Therapy is the place to delve into your psyche and re-wire the programming.
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2010-02-12