Emotional Intimacy Needs of a Woman

Whether you are coupled, or whether you are single, I hope you enjoy relationships in which you are adored!

In the following Q&A session, I coach a single woman who longs for a fulfilling intimate relationship. If you are single, you will want to be sure to read it. If you are married, you will want to share the wisdom with your single friends and family members.

Dear Benita: I’m wondering if men need deep emotional intimacy to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship. It seems that is key for most women’s fulfillment, but do men really place a high value on having this component in relationship, or do they simply not need this aspect as much as women?

Dear Tara: Thank you for your question. Many women wonder about this, and it gives me a good opportunity to address the issue. Even if we were to agree that men are not made for emotional intimacy like women are, entertaining that conversation will not help you create a healthy romance. You pay me for my candidness and ability to get to the bottom line, so here goes. Intimacy only occurs on a personal and specific level, and your question comes from the general level. You are not looking for a "general" man. You are looking for a particular type of man. Engaging in such general questions with your girl friends is a waste of your time and precious energy. Since we’re talking about your desire for intimacy, let’s be intimate in our conversation, OK?

I’ll take the liberty to rephrase your question. "What about my self attracts men who are not emotionally intimate?" This question assumes several premises. (1) You have a great deal to do with who saunters into your personal space and who you allow to stay there. (2) Men do exist who enjoy being emotionally intimate. I know this because I’ve enjoyed relationships with several such men. (3) You want to take responsibility for attracting men who want to be emotionally intimate. (4) You will stop blaming men. Your unhappiness with men is related to your own selection process. (5) Your conscious and subconscious mind drives your selection process. (6) If you want to attract a different type of man, you have to upgrade your internal computer programming. 

 

Copyright 2010. The Esposito Institute, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

2010-02-12

Secret Fears of High-achievers

By Benita A. Esposito, M.A.

Question:  I am a successful high-achiever and although I hate to admit it, I sometimes feel insecure and that bothers me. Sometimes I am afraid of not having enough money, but I procrastinate in doing things that would increase my success. Sometimes I resist taking steps to find a new job. Sometimes I balk at marketing and sales calls. Sometimes I feel anxious when I think my boss is unhappy with me. I’ve tried to heal this issue several times, but it keeps coming back. I think it is related to not feeling loved by my dad when I was a child. He was emotionally distant and I never received the nurturance I needed from him. I would really like this insecurity to stop once and for all. It gets in the way of being successful and self-confident.

Answer: Most of us prefer quick fixes and as little suffering as possible. That is understandable, but there is only one problem. The quick fixes do not last long if the emotional body does not feel nurtured.

When we judge our insecurity as bad, we want to get away from feeling that way. We distance from the part of ourselves who is hurting, just like our fathers distanced from us when we were little. We have a multitude of ways of distracting ourselves from the pain. We take drugs, we drink, we shop, we do positive thinking, we work, we have sex.  We can ignore the pain for a while, but it will surface again and again. We do not love ourselves in the midst of the pain. We are not there for ourselves, just like our fathers were not there for us as children. We tend to parent ourselves the way we were parented, unless we consciously train ourselves to relate to ourselves in a healthy manner.

Our relationship with God tends to be a reflection of our experience with our fathers. If we did not have a healthy relationship with dad, often we do not have a healthy loving relationship with God. That’s a real problem, because God is the only source on love, prosperity and wisdom that we can count on 24/7.  To build an intimate relationship with God, we have to heal the wounds with our fathers, and allow God to re-parent us as we re-parent ourselves. We have to be willing to stop blaming our fathers and God.

The first step is to ask God to direct our healing. Pray a deep and sincere prayer to be restored to your true identity, the way that God intended you to be. You may want to seek out a counselor, a clergy person or a friend. You may want to listen to CDs, read books, see a movie, or journal. The power is not in the technique or the person. The power comes from God knowing exactly what will work for you. What works for you one time may not work the next time. Your greatest healing, and your greatest success, comes from listening moment by moment to what God is telling you. This is always done in a kind and compassionate way without condemnation. God will correct your course if you ask sincerely, just like a loving father would do.

Changing our ways can be stressful especially if we have come to count on certain behaviors to bring us success.  We have many examples of wealthy business people who have made millions of dollars through deceptive practices.  They believe that money is their source of security, and that they could not be wealthy if they were authentic.

We can learn from their examples. It is difficult to feel secure or trust in God when we are scared of not having enough money. It is difficult to be absolutely honest for fear that we will be rejected, like our fathers rejected us.  However, if we do not take the challenge to come into integrity, relationships and business deals will eventually crumble. 

What stops us from being open and honest?  It is really difficult to say, “Right now I am afraid that if I tell you the truth, you will reject me or fire me. But it is more important for me to be in integrity, so I will tell you the truth.” We would only have the courage to do this if we had a deep trust that God is our source of love and prosperity, not people and things.

Ask God to build an intimate, nurturing relationship with you so you feel nurtured and supported just like you wanted to feel with your father. Every minute of investment in this relationship will pay rich dividends.

Copyright 2009. All rights reserved. The Esposito Institute, Inc.

Email: Benita@EspositoInstitute.com 

Call 770.998.6642

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