4 Little Known Communication Mistakes that Ruin Relationships
Vanessa* walked through my office door with her new fiance’, Dr. Mark Smith. Vanessa asked for a series of relationship coaching sessions because with one divorce under her belt, she didn’t want to make another mistake. After the initial introductions, Dr. Smith shared, “I saw Dr. John Gottman on national TV last week. He’s a psychologist who says that within 3 minutes of watching a couple, he can predict if they will still be married in 15 years.”
“That’s an incredible statement,” I exclaimed. “I don’t believe any one can make a prediction like that. There are so many factors that go into the success or failure of a marriage, plus people always have free choice to grow and change, or not.
“I do believe that when couples learn good communication skills at the beginning of a relationship that they will be able to use those skills for the rest of the lives, so it’s a valuable investment that pays rich dividends. I like to see couples when they are dating, engaged or newly married. I compare marriage to the metaphor of dancing. If both people want to dance beautifully, they benefit from taking dance lessons together. They must first agree on the kind of dance they want to learn, then take lessons, and practice between lessons. If they want to get really good, they come back for advanced lessons and practice, practice, practice.
“Different people want different kinds of marriage. Some people want kids, some don’t. Some people want to travel and amass wealth. Some don’t. Some like superficial intimacy and some like it deep. So you need to clarify your values and your ideal vision for your marriage before you get involved. But most people don’t discuss that; they just go on chemistry. After the hormones calm down, differing values and visions will lead to conflicts. Mutual chemistry may draw people together, but that doesn’t mean it will be a healthy relationship. It’s a really good idea for a couple to get relationship coaching a long time before they get engaged. But let’s back up a step. It’s even better for an individual to get coaching before he or she even gets involved in a relationship. We each need to have enough self-awareness to pinpoint what we must have and what we won’t tolerate. I assist people to clarify their relationship visions, values, and learn effective communication skills.”
A couple of days after the session, I kept reflecting on what Dr. Smith told me. Could there possibly be a way to predict marital success within 3 minutes? Will Dr. Smith and his bride-to-be make it to the 15 year mark and hopefully beyond? I thought I better check out what Dr. Gottman was talking about so I read his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Summary of Dr. Gottman's work. He set up an apartment called the “love lab” near the University of Washington where he made video recordings of couples. He hooked them up to equipment that measured their heart rate, galvanic skin response and other stress indicators. Then he observed them interacting in normal daily activities and he asked them to discuss a conflict. After 20 years of analyzing videos, physiological measurements and tracking couples to see if they remained married or got divorced, Dr. Gottman distilled his data into several succinct conclusions.
Dr. Gottman compared the communication of happy couples who stayed married with couples who divorced within 15 years. He isolated 4 specific behaviors that unhappy couples use that predict divorce with a 90 percent accuracy rate. Yikes! That’s scary. (Attend the free workshop below to learn about the 4 behaviors.)
After studying Dr. Gottman’s research, I believe his ability to make such seemingly incredible predictions. Check it out for yourself. It behooves us to read his research and stop using the communication styles that kill relationships and practice the skills that make relationships thrive. The same communication skills apply to all relationships: business relationships, parent-child relationships, sibling relationships and friendships.
(* Client’s names were changed to protect confidentiality.)
Author: by Benita A. Esposito, MA
Contact Info: http://www.EspositoInstitute.com Info@EspositoInstitute.com Phone: 770.998.6642
Attend any of these events to improve your relationships:
Facilitator: Benita A. Esposito, MA
1) Free workshop: “4 Little Known Communication Mistakes that Ruin Relationships.”
Tuesday June 15, 2010.
United Community Bank, Blairsville, Georgia.
7:15p.m. registration. Click here for free workshop details.
2) Attend the “S.M.A.R.T. Heart” Small Group.
Receive professional relationship coaching to …
• Increase the love and respect within your personal and business relationships.
• Communicate so everyone feels understood.
• Create win-win solutions.
• Stop losing yourself in a relationship.
• Learn appropriate boundary-setting and self-care skills.
• Increase your business bottom-line profits by developing highly functioning teams.
Click here for S.M.A.R.T. Heart Small Group details.
3) “Flourishing Relationships” Retreat
The fastest way to create a flourishing relationship is for both people to learn the same effective skills. As you learn to connect in emotional and spiritual intimacy, you radiate more peace and wisdom so you generate a safe environment for your partner to open fully.
Click here for Retreat details.
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Phone: 770.998.6642
Email: Benita@EspositoInstitute.com