9 Tips for Flourishing Relationships
Tip 1: Resolve conflicts so they don't drain your energy. When you have a conflict and you don't feel understood, how do you cope? Instead of avoiding, controlling, or blaming, do this: Take a deep breath. Notice your physical sensations. Feel your body, be fully present and get grounded. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling?” Name the emotions: Angry, hurt, sad, or afraid. Take responsibility for your interpretations of the situation you are reacting to, and own your feelings. Don’t act out. Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner in an authentic manner. Take some relationship workshops or ask for private coaching sessions so you and your partner learn the same skills and practice them together.
(There’s lots more teaching on this topic, so be sure to email me your questions or post your comments in my blog.)
Tip 2: What if conflict continues to spin around and around? Sometimes conflicts taunt you like pesty gnats flying around your head. If you fight with them, it doesn’t do any good. Psychological research tells us that sometimes we can transform a conflicted relationship by engaging in a mutual project that neither can solve alone. We have to draw on each other’s skills and strengths to achieve the desired outcome.
(btw, I’m really good at helping people mediate conflicts. Please ask for help before the problems get big and hairy. 
Tip 3: Create what jazzes you. Ponder your next creative idea. Get in touch with your core values. What is truly meaningful to you? What legacy do you want to leave the world? Don’t let yourself get bogged down in a narrow view of how to accomplish it. Step outside the proverbial box. Ask friends and colleagues to brainstorm ideas with you. Join a master mind group. Hire a coach.
Tip 4: How’s your self-concept? Look way down deep. Be honest. How worthy do you feel? Is it OK to rest in a flourishing loving relationship? Does that fit with your self-concept? Does it fit with your family’s history of relationships? Is it OK to have a peaceful love life, or is that foreign to you? Sometimes we fall into a familiar groove and hang out there simply because it is familiar, even though it hurts. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves without even knowing it.
Tip 5: Upgrade your ability to receive love. It is often said that our inner reality creates our outer reality. We are the ones who limit ourselves by our self-fulfilling prophecies. Sometimes it is easy to complain about not getting what we want, but if we were to get what we want, we would have to lay down the fight. Then what? We would have to open to love, be vulnerable and receive. That’s a lot scarier than fighting.
Tip 6: Transform limiting beliefs. First of all, pay attention to your recurrent thoughts and pictures. Do you look out into the world from the privacy of your mind’s eye and see people not getting who you are? They don’t support you the way you want them to? Has that happened in your past? Do you think it will happen again and again? That’s what we call a self-fulfilling prophecy. We get what we expect.
Barbara McAfee sings a comical song and calls our limiting thoughts “brain rats.” When I listen to that peppy song, I laugh at myself, and it helps me stay conscious of those little boogers. If they’re rolling around in my head, they rule me. Simply by noticing them, and laughing, I take command of them. Then it’s easy to refocus my attention on loving my self, and I remember that God loves me. I focus on what it is meaningful, what I want to create, and I go into action instead of staying stuck in procrastination.
Tip 7: Call up some good friends, share a few laughs and remind each other how much you love each other.
Tip 8: Pray. Meditate. Read holy scriptures. It’s amazing how much more loving I feel towards others when I am resting in God’s love.
Isaiah 55:12 "You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."
Luke 12:7 Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.
Proverbs 24:3-4 Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms shall be filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
John 21:6 And He said to them, "Cast the net on the right-hand side of the boat and you will find a catch." So they cast, and then they were not able to haul it in because of the great number of fish.
Tip 9: What if you’re still stuck? Sometimes inner wounds are so strong that they color our world, and no matter how much we try to focus on the positive and remember that God loves us, we stay stuck. In that case, it is a really good idea to work with a professional coach or a counselor to help you transform the pattern. Reach out and receive the professional help you need to free up your energy. Then you can create truly flourishing relationships and a fulfilling life.
These tips scratch the surface. There’s lots more education available for you here. Send me your questions and post your comments, and I’ll either address your concern in a future newsletter, or you might want to take a workshop or have a coaching session.)
Author: Benita A. Esposito, MA is a relationship coach who teaches S.M.A.R.T. women and the men who love them to develop and sustain flourishing relationships. She combines a master’s degree in psychology and 3 decades of career wisdom with her intuitive ability to understand people at depth. She gets to the bottom line quickly so people can efficiently move toward their full potential. As a Relationship Coach, Benita facilitates people to develop and sustain flourishing relationships rooted in The Authentic Self.
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