A Stranger’s Kindness

By Benita A. Esposito, MA

Every February for the last three years I have felt the intense sting of people’s judgments and criticisms.  These people don’t know me and don’t understand me, but they think they do.  Their words, their gossip and their silent energetic arrows pierce through my heart and body.  I hurt emotionally and physically.  Within the last two months, I have spent $500 on healing sessions to help me rid myself of the fear and pain I feel from the judgments. And yet the feelings still persist. I hate it.

Every time my inner voice calls me to work with the masses of people and to become even more visible, I feel the fear of being psychically and verbally attacked.  I remember being tortured and burned at the stake in several lifetimes. I call people out of their deadness and out of their ivory towers. I tell them the only way to LIVE is simply to LOVE all their feelings and to take responsibility for them instead of projecting blame onto others. Their joy, their sorrow, their tears, and their terror are not their enemies, but they are afraid of feeling the immensity of their intense emotions. So am I.

In my work, I help people to heal and bring forth new wisdom that actually is ancient.  Sometimes people don’t understand my intuitive body-based work and they judge me harshly. It is easier to project onto me than to feel their uncomfortable emotions. I become the lightning rod for their denied emotions and intentions. This is hard work in a society that has suppressed and repressed emotions for several hundred years. The unconscious denial of feelings creates pain in the soul, in the heart, and ultimately in the body. It creates war on the planet.

I turned to do my inner work. First, I examined myself. I looked at how I have become a product of this western philosophy about emotions.  I looked at where I was suppressing my own feelings.  Instead of continuing to try to eliminate my pain, I decided to remind myself of what I already knew.  Eliminating fear is not the answer.  The answer is to stay open to feeling the depth of all the emotions. 

"Open to all the vulnerability," I coached myself.  "Then you can gain the wisdom held within the feeling experience. Then you can touch God. Go beyond the judgment of the fear. Go beyond your attachment to eliminating pain in order to feel whole. Then you can expand to know yourself to be bigger than the fear.  Then you can come into the peace and calm that includes the fear: The peace that passes all understanding.  Then you know you can feel ALIVE during the darkest experience and still be OK. And still be Whole. And still feel Whole."

So I began to take myself through my own process. I intended to feel the fear, or whatever emotion came, and to be vulnerable, and to love myself no matter what came up. I asked for the Holy Spirit and Jesus to enfold me in love and wisdom.

I went to the park.  It’s easier to feel closer to my Authentic Self and God in the midst of the tall, tall trees and flowing water. I walked along the familiar path through the woods by the river.  It always brings me solace and comfort.  This time I walked deeper into the woods where I thought I would be alone.  I just wanted to be totally alone.  No distractions.  That’s hard to do in the city.  I found a little creek and sat on the bank beside a little waterfall.  I listened to the trickling noise. It’s such a peaceful sound.  To my right was a footbridge.  A large hill rose behind the bridge, and another hill rose to my left. I sat quietly, asking the Earth and God to heal me and feed me Her love.  I adored the gentle trickling of the waterfall as the squirrels scampered in the trees.

Unexpectedly, I heard a noise rustling from the hill on the right. 

I wanted to be     a    l    o    n    e!        

"Intruder!" I protested silently.  I would not lift my eyes to meet the figure walking toward the footbridge.  Finally she was so close I couldn’t help but notice a young woman and her small dog.  They crossed the bridge and passed behind me.  They were quiet.  They walked toward the hill on my left.

A minute later another rustle came from the hill on the right.  Again I wanted to remain undisturbed and I didn’t look.  I braced myself from the inside.  Again the figures came close and crossed the bridge: two little Pekinese dogs.  The woman called them to her side while she fussed at them.  She and I looked at each other.  She was a beautiful woman with shoulder length blonde hair.  Her face was sweet and calm.  She apologized saying, "Sorry.  You looked like you wanted peace."  I smiled in acknowledgment.  The dogs caught up with her and they walked up the hill and vanished out of sight.

Then quite unexpectedly, tears began to roll down my cheeks.  A deep feeling welled up in my chest. I had wanted to be alone so I could feel God’s peace.  But what surprised me was that I appreciated her kindness even more.  She understood me, without any words.  I felt loved, as indeed I was.  I received it into my heart.  This simple act of kindness was what I had been missing when the other people judged me.  I felt more whole because of her kind gesture. I found my peace.  

But, I still had to face my fear. I made myself stay home all weekend and tend to my wounds. I wouldn’t allow any distractions.  I didn’t answer the phone.  I didn’t watch TV.  I didn’t go shopping.  I journeyed into the vulnerability of my tears and fears.  I simply intended to feel.  I received a three-hour therapeutic massage, which nurtured me physically and emotionally.  It helped me feel my body, and stay present in my body.  Then I read, for the second time, and really experienced the book I Remember Union, The Story of Mary Magdalena, by Flo Calhoun.  Her story is my story.  It, too, helped me feel my feelings and deal with the judgments.  I recalled the memories of the hurt and reminded myself of my divine heritage.  I still felt the longing for Heaven on Earth.  I brought all of my Self into my body.  I became grounded.  I decided to stay here. Open.  

It was arduous work.  I was thankful for all my training. I know how to take myself through the eye of the needle, and become big enough to embody it all:  the fear and the majesty.

On the third day I rested.   

My body healed.  

I was at peace. 

There was still chaos outside me.  

But I found Heaven on Earth.

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Copyright 1995-2010. The Esposito Institute, Inc. All rights reserved.

Benita A. Esposito, MA 

www.EspositoInstitute.com

“Relationship Coaching for S.M.A.R.T. Women and the Men Who Love Them”

S.M.A.R.T. = Spiritual + Mature + Authentic + Responsible + Trustworthy

1183 words

2010-03-04