Emotional Intimacy: How to Manage Conflicts to Keep Love Alive

By Benita A. Esposito, MA, LPC

A long time ago, my mentor told me "conflict is a necessary part of intimacy."  That shattered my notions about what a loving relationship is, or should be. After the honeymoon phase, conflicts naturally begin to surface. That can be the beginning of the end of a perfectly beautiful relationship. There are little things like … how you squeeze the toothpaste, whether the toilet seat gets left up or down, neatness and cleanliness …  and then there are big things like money and sex. 
 
How can couples use conflicts to grow rather than ruin a relationship that started with the most wonderful feelings in the whole wide world?
 
Overview: When you agree to use a relationship to heal and grow, conflicts are no longer seen as bad. They are understood to be expressions of pain that need to be addressed in wise ways. When you learn how to help each other heal your wounds, you no longer have an adversarial relationship. Each person takes 100% responsibility for their own evolution. And you both learn how to create a synergistic interaction in which each person unfolds into their full creative potential. 
 
What ruins intimacy?
 
While it may not be apparent, many conflicts actually began a long time ago – especially if the same conflicts surface over and over again. Many people make the mistake of trying to deal with only the presenting issues. That is only the tip of the iceberg. To discover the real source of conflict, you have to look below the surface of the water.

For example, I once found myself in a romantic relationship with a handsome, bright young man. We had lots of common core values and interests. All the experts say that if you have common values and interests that a relationship has much better odds. So why didn’t the relationship work? He didn’t have a desire to be emotionally intimate like I did. He was very cerebral and action-oriented, and he was happy being that way. As I reflected on my unconscious motivation for being attracted to him, I saw the parallel between him and my father. Both are brilliant, benevolent men who prefer to be emotionally distant. I stopped trying to get my boyfriend to change, and decided it was more respectful to accept him as he was. I completed the relationship in a caring way and moved on. After that, I did another level of healing around missing the love I wanted with my father. I became wiser about the type of man I needed to date.
 
Most of us carry unresolved hurt, pain, anger and fear from our childhood. We are aware of some of the wounds and unaware of others. As adults, some of us resolve to never be like Mom or Dad, but still find ourselves unintentionally repeating the same attitudes and behaviors. When our mate acts a certain way that reminds us of unresolved wounds that started in childhood, we hurt. The anger, the pain, or the fear instantly manifests, totally by-passing our logic. Our emotional reaction may be much stronger than what seems appropriate for the situation. Our mates may not understand why we are so upset, and sometimes we don't know either. Our natural tendency is to fight, flee or freeze. None of these choices resolve conflict. They don’t provide an avenue for understanding or healing. Yet, that pathway is chosen over and over again by unaware people who suffer needlessly.
 
When unproductive patterns repeat themselves, there's an unfortunate death.  Even if  two people stay together, the passionate sparks that birthed the relationship die. The couple may stay together for security (that is really insecurity), or they stay together for the children, or for business purposes, or to look good, or to not rock the boat. They may be legally married, but that’s about it.
 
Our self-image shapes our intimate relationships. 
Unless we have done a lot of personal growth, all we know of ourselves is the self-image we brought with us from childhood: smart or stupid, competent or clumsy, loveable or unworthy, care-takers or martyrs. Most of us have a strong attachment to seeing our selves in this image because even though it may not be good for us, it’s all we’ve known. It gives us a sense of security. Hanging onto the familiar, predictable pattern is sometimes more important than letting go of an image that causes pain. 
 
Our view of men and women shapes our intimate relationships.
Many of us continue to unconsciously see men or women the same way we saw Mom or Dad. For example, women may see men as overbearing, insensitive, aggressive, emotionally unavailable or spineless. We carry into adulthood the deep emotional scars from the relationship with our fathers and mothers. When a woman enters a relationship, all those unresolved feelings and attitudes eventually get projected onto her partner when she feels most vulnerable. Unless she has already done personal growth work, she will assume that her partner is the cause of her anger, hurt, or pain. Again, that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
 
She may cope by …
(1) Trying to get her partner to change so she won't have to feel the unwanted feelings.
(2) Denying her own feelings of fear, anger or sadness so she doesn't have to feel uncomfortable.
(3) Leaving the relationship because, once again, men are the way she expects them to be.
(4) Using addictions to avoid feeling, e.g., compulsive eating, drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, being too busy, working too much.
 
She hasn't yet learned that her own unconscious feelings and thoughts about the way men are drew her to a man who fits her image of what she didn't want. The intense emotional wounding attached to the picture of men is the super glue that energetically binds her to the vision that she hates. The unhealed emotions are the juice that keeps the thoughts and behavior patterns alive.
 
Is it really possible to transform hurtful patterns?    
 
1. What if it were more important to learn how to heal at depth?
 
2. What if it were more important to become each other’s best friends?
 
3. What if mastering your emotional reactions were more important than avoiding conflicts or fighting? 
 
4. What if it were more important to create a relationship where it is safe to take the risk to share your wounds, and learn how to heal them together?
 
5. What if it were more important to be transparent and vulnerable than to be defensive or critical? 
 
Consider these building blocks for healthy intimacy.
 
If you want a healthy relationship, first build a new concept of how a man or a woman can be. Build a picture of how you can be, and then live into it.
 
Picture a healthy relationship that will work for you. Decide that you are worth it. Then ground yourself in the vision so the new feelings become so familiar that this new relationship becomes second nature to you. Be willing to give up your old self-image where you felt like a victim or a persecutor. Get the professional help you need to build your self-esteem. Learn assertiveness skills to manage your conflicts and set healthy boundaries. Be willing to receive a whole new experience in your life. Decide to turn your complaints into effective action to change your situation.
 
What if you do your best to create a healthy relationship, and the same old patterns keep repeating?
 
It’s probably because you and your partner need to do deeper transformational healing. Being intellectually aware of dysfunctional patterns and unresolved emotion does little to change the pattern. In fact, people often get more frustrated because now they are aware of what is causing their patterns, and they can see them happening over and over again. If you could change from the intellectual level, you would have already done it. The key is in the emotional healing. When done well with expert guidance, the pain of the past can be laid to rest. Your heart will open. Your body will breathe a sigh of relaxation, and a whole new way of life will begin.
 
Special note about abuse: If you are in an abusive relationship, get professional counseling to leave safely. No one deserves to be abused. Abused women are in greater danger when they leave. If you want some good resources, read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans or When Men Batter Women by Neil Jacobson and John Gottman.
 
Final Tips 
(1) Examine all your unconscious and conscious expectations of men, women and yourself.

(2) Resolve your pain or anger that has been too difficult to heal … up until now.  

(3) Stay fully conscious while feeling your emotions. Imagine being held in unconditional love.

(4) Find a way to forgive. Ask for forgiveness, receive forgiveness and forgive your self.

(5) Be intentional about building your own self-esteem.

(6) Surround your self with friends who love to do personal and spiritual growth work.

(7) Choose a therapist who you can trust to guide you through this intricate process.
 
When done skillfully, you will get unstuck from the super glue of the unproductive relationship patterns. If you’d like me to help you transform so you can experience a truly flourishing relationship, I’d love to work with you. If you want to improve your marriage, or if you are single, and want to create a fulfilling romance, there is hope and help.
 
Send Me Your Story
If you’ve been successful in transforming your relationship, I’d love to hear what’s worked for you. Please send me your story and I'll post it on my blog.
 
Contact Information
Benita A. Esposito, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor
E: Benita@EspositoInstitute.com
P: 770.998.6642
Holistic Psychotherapy: http://www.EspositoInstitute.com
Life Coaching: http://www.YourAuthenticLife.com
 
Copyright 2011.The Esposito Institute, Inc. To reprint and circulate this article, please include the author's contact information.