How to Resurrect a Dying Marriage

By Benita A. Esposito, MA, LPC

"Marriage is the most difficult yoga," says author Steven Levine. It is our greatest hope for true fulfillment and at the same time, it stimulates our deepest vulnerabilities. All our unhealed wounds eventually show up. While we may not like that, when handled skillfully, we welcome the opportunities to heal, and we grow into our most Authentic Self ... the person God intended us to be.  I tell you the following story to provide you with inspiration and food for thought as you take your relationships to the next level.

Many years ago, Jan earned nearly $100,000 per year as a bank executive in her mid-thirties. In today’s dollars adjusted for inflation, that would be $300,000. She was ranked in the top 5% of all income-earners in the U.S., and in the top 1% of all women income-earners. She had reached every goal she had ever set. Married with 2 young sons, you would have thought her life was idyllic, but it wasn’t. She felt a deep emptiness in her soul, and she was unhappy in her marriage. All that money couldn’t make up for it. 
 
Searching for the answer to deeper fulfillment, Jan began a spiritual quest that brought her to Christ. Her already shaky marriage grew more and more distant. He didn’t want to change, and they eventually parted company in an amicable divorce.
 
As Jan developed her spiritual life, new core values took root which laid a whole new foundation for her life. Financial success no longer defined her identity. She found that closeness to God, having a servant’s heart, and loving people generated true fulfillment.
 
A friend introduced her to Jerry Geiger, a handsome successful Christian man with similar values and social status.  Romantic fireworks exploded on their first meeting, but even with the intense chemistry, they promised to keep their hands off each other until they were married. After a rigorous exploration of their core values and interests, they married 63 days later.
 
Taking a hiatus from her high-powered career, Jan chose to work part time so she had more time to stay home and raise their kids. Unfortunately, the glow of the honeymoon wore off all too quickly, and their first 5 years of marriage were peppered with conflicts. Both strong willed, brilliant people, they didn’t know how to speak to each other to create win-win solutions. Jan didn’t tell any one about Jerry’s verbal abuse, and she tried her best to keep her marriage together. Finally at her wits end, Jan threatened a legal separation if Jerry spoke harshly to her one more time. Having taken a marriage vow for life, she promised to remain married to Jerry, but she was clear that she didn’t have to live with him and let him continue to verbally abuse her.
 
The threat of separation shocked Jerry. He didn’t want to lose Jan.  He sought help from a male Christian marriage counselor where he complained about Jan’s behavior. He said she was provoking him to anger with her unreasonable behavior. While Jerry expected the male counselor to side with him, the counselor confronted him saying, “It is your responsibility to love Jan, to discern her needs and to fulfill them. If you were already fulfilling her needs, she wouldn’t be acting in ways that you find so objectionable. Talk to her to discover her needs. Meet her needs, and she will most likely change her behavior to meet your needs, too.” Jerry attended many counseling sessions by himself, and invited Jan into deeper, more meaningful conversations.
 
Jerry asked Jan to tell him about her needs and desires.  Among other things, they learned each other’s love languages,* and they shared how they like to be appreciated. Jan’s primary love language is “words of affirmations.” Still after 18 years, Jerry posts a new love note on the kitchen counter every morning. Jerry thrives on Jan’s cheerleading, and she is thrilled to be his biggest fan. Instead of criticizing him, she complements him on his strengths, and Jerry feels buoyed up. Jerry took over the grocery shopping because Jan totally disliked it. Jerry didn’t mind.  With continued study and nurturance of their marriage, they learned how to discuss conflicts with kind words instead of criticism and condemnation. Chemistry lit up their marriage once again.
 
After the kids left home, Jan re-entered the work force full time, and rapidly developed a thriving business as a Certified Financial Planner® practitioner.
 
After a rocky start for the first five years, Jan and Jerry have been best friends and lovers for the last 13 years. Jan says that it took 10 years to feel absolutely safe with Jerry to where she knew she could trust him with her deepest feelings and concerns. She knew she could count on him to help her heal childhood wounds, and to grow into her most Authentic Self, the woman that God intended. She believes that God made marriage to help each other heal and to flourish. Jerry credits Jan’s support for his financial success.
 
Jan realizes that one of her spiritual gifts is the knack for making money, helping others make money, and she has fun doing it. Financial success does not define her identity any more because she knows her true identity in God. She loves to help others become financially successful, and to help them grow spiritually.
 
 Jan and Jerry were able to transform a dysfunctional marriage by talking and listening to each other in deep, caring ways. They let their words and their goals spring from their core values rooted in their hearts, and in the heart of God. Jan and Jerry especially like to share their story with church groups, and they serve as role models for people who want to develop a flourishing marriage. They gave me permission to share their story with you.

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1) If you would like to improve your relationship, clarify your core values, discover your true identity, achieve your goals, manifest financial success and experience personal fulfillment, contact me for Life Coaching. We meet on the telephone so you can be any where in the world. Marital therapy and individual counseling sessions are also available.

2) Join us for this month’s free community service workshop:
“How to Speak so Your Partner Loves to Listen.” Tuesday, May 17, 2011. 6:45 - 8:45 p.m. Life Wellness Center & Bookstore, 63 Pleasant Hill Road, Blairsville, GA 30512.  Registration required: Phone 770.998.6642. Or email Benita@EspositoInstitute.com

3) Would you like to improve your ability to receive answers from Divine Guidance … from the comfort of your own home? I made a CD for this purpose.  Click here to read about “A Journey into Wholeness” CD, and to purchase a copy.


CONTACT INFO
Benita A. Esposito, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor
Email: Benita@EspositoInstitute.com
Phone: 770.998.6642
The Esposito Institute, Inc. 
Life Coaching Blog: http://www.YourAuthenticLife.com
Psychotherapy website: http://www.EspositoInstitute.com

Specialties include (1) personal mastery, (2) relationships, (3) mind-body-spiritual healing , and (4) successful goal attainment.

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To reprint this article, please include the author’s contact information above. 

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See Jan Dahlin Geiger's book on Amazon.com, Get Your Assets in Gear, Smart Money Strategies. Jan writes to people in their 20’s and 30’s to help them become financially successful early in life.
 
* To discover your Love Language, visit  http://www.5lovelanguages.com/