How to Transform Reactive Emotions

Within Your Loving Relationship 

Last month, 90 of you completed a survey on relationships. Thank you to all of you who participated in the survey. The number one thing that participants reported as a challenge was “managing reactive emotions and overcoming self-defeating patterns.” That’s not surprising, is it? Thanks for letting me know your needs so I can give you the most pertinent educational materials. Read the brand new article below which lays the foundation for doing powerful transformational work.

“How to Transform Reactive Emotions Within Your Loving Relationship”

By Benita A. Esposito, MA

When you feel like you are caught in a whirlpool of reactive emotions that won’t let you go, mind chatter revs up internal conflicts that cause even more chaos. When you’re anxious, angry or worried and you fail to communicate in a healthy way, it hurts your relationships. It sometimes happens to the best of us. The first step is to quiet emotional reactivity and center your self.  

Before we get to the solutions, let’s explore some common mistakes. When you feel caught in the grips of reactive emotions, you may try to think positively. If you have a happy-go-lucky personality, that may work for you. But often it leaves people down in the pits, trying to put on a happy face but feeling inauthentic. Maybe you try to ignore the conflict and hope it goes away. Sometimes that works. It’s good to focus on the glass being half full, instead of half empty. But other times, there is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed and if left unresolved, it surfaces again and again, and interferes with your ability to be fully present and intimate. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball under the water. It keeps popping up to the surface, and you have to keep holding it down. That wastes your energy, it distracts you from creating worthwhile projects, and loving your partner well.

It helps to understand what is going on when we get reactive. Emotional Intelligence research tells us that when we are afraid, our brain goes into survival mode: fight, flight or freeze.  When we are in real danger, our survival reactions keep us safe. It’s helpful to fight, flee or freeze. The problem comes when our fear flares and we are not in real danger, like when we have a conflict with our partner. When the survival part of the brain is triggered, we are flooded with survival hormones that shut off our ability to think rationally. We have to find a way to help the chemicals subside and return our ability to think so we can implement skills we’ve learned and avoid saying things we would regret later. 

Before you employ calming techniques, assess if you are in danger. If you are, take effective action to take good care of yourself. Leave a dangerous place or hurtful person. Get help from a qualified professional. Develop your inner guardian who needs to be in charge of protecting you.

To calm your self do this: Ground your self and connect to Spirit. Take 3 deep breaths from way down deep in your belly. Close your eyes and focus on your body. Feel your feet on the floor or on the earth. Imagine the tension flowing out your feet and your hands. Imagine inhaling the energy of wisdom and love. Connect with Divine Wisdom. Pray an effective prayer like, “Help me Holy Spirit. Hold me. Open my eyes to see things accurately. Flood me with your love. Take away any unhelpful anxiety. Let your voice flow through me now.”

That’s the first step to get your self present. Until you are present, you cannot effectively manage your emotions, and you can’t accurately see your partner or resolve conflicts. Breathing deeply is an incredibly easy and effective tool to connect with your Authentic Self, with Spirit and to calm your body. You need a degree of calmness to experience personal and spiritual intimacy.

As you develop personal mastery, you will be able to remain present with your self and with you partner while you are triggered. You learn how to think and feel at the same time and communicate in responsible ways. Exquisite intimacy flows in this place. I love teaching this level of mastery!

Invite your partner to join you in spiritual intimacy. Once you are connected with your Authentic Self and Spirit, you can be intimate with your partner and not until then. When I refer to the word intimacy, I mean intimacy on all levels, not just sexual. Intimacy is a place of being. A place of the Heart. You invite your partner into the pool of sacred intimacy. You don’t force. You don’t seduce. You don’t manipulate. You don’t pull. You hold your hand out, and with soft eyes, and relaxed breathing, you invite your partner into your heart.

If your partner is reactive and can’t join you yet, hold sacred space for him. Look past the surface of the reactive personality and hold your focus on his Authentic Self. Connect with him in the truth of his being while you watch his reactivity in a non-judgmental way. It doesn’t have to affect you. You breathe, you open, and you remain calm while he processes his fear or anger. You gently send him love in a non-invasive way. You ask for the Holy Spirit to enfold both of you with love. You trust Spirit’s timing. You know Spirit is holding him in the arms of love. You radiate peace. Within this state of compassion, you empathize and reflect back with active listening what he is feeling. After a while that diffuses the emotional reactivity and you can get to the root of the matter, heal and resolve the conflict.

These high-level skills form the foundation for emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy.  When couples learn to do this well, they dance like Olympic skaters flowing across the ice in exquisite beauty. Reactive emotions are no longer seen as obstacles, but door ways into spiritual healing so that the Authentic Self of each person can fully emerge and they can love each other well.

Do you want to see how these skills applied in real life? Here’s a link to another article "How to Enhance Marital Intimacy: The Rewards of Effective Conflict Management.”  You’ll have a birds-eye view as you read how one couple learned how to move past hurdles that plagued them for years. You’ll learn how my body-based coaching involves the breath and meditation practices to transform even the deepest patterns. 

Continuing Education: If you want to develop more mastery so you can create a more flourishing relationship, here are 4 things you can do.

1. Contact me for a coaching session tailored to your specific needs. I work with individuals to understand and heal their patterns, and I work with couples who want to create flourishing relationships rooted in the Authentic Self. Email me at Benita@EspositoInstitute.com. Phone sessions are available nationally and internationally. In-person sessions are held in Atlanta and North Georgia. Phone: 770.998.6642

2. Enroll in my New Flourishing Relationships Home-Study Program.  You can participate from any where in the world, from the privacy of your own home.  This program allows you access to my coaching expertise at a greatly reduced cost. If you are willing to for-go one dinner out a week, you can afford this educational program that will benefit you for your entire life. How long does a dinner last? Think about your priorities and contact me if you want more information about this program. Email: Benita@EspositoInstitute.com

3. Listen to the Guided Meditation CD, “Journey into Wholeness.” This is an inexpensive tool you can use day after day to calm reactive emotions and access Divine Guidance to receive insight and healing.  

4. Attend the Flourishing Relationships Retreat. June 25-27, 2010. Save the dates now. Register early for the greatest discount.

No Hassle Money-back Guarantee

If you’re interested, but you’re not sure if the guided meditation CD or the coaching programs will help you, that’s understandable. Let me remove the risk for you. I believe these products and services will help you so much that I offer a money back guarantee. If you don’t agree that you have received sufficient value after fully participating in the coaching, or listening to the CD, I’ll graciously refund your money. No hassles. I would, however, like to get your feedback about what did not work for you so I can improve the product or service, and serve you better in the future. That’s fair, isn’t it?

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Please feel free to reprint and share this article. Please include my contact information.

Benita A. Esposito, MA

The Esposito Institute, Inc.

Email: info@EspositoInstitute.com

www.EspositoInstitute.com 

Phone: 770.998.6642

Relationship Coaching for S.M.A.R.T. Women and the Men Who Love Them

P O Box 1074, Young Harris, GA 30582 

2010-03-02