Masters or Disasters of Marriage - How to Nurture your Love Forever
by Benita A. Esposito, MA, LPC
When you are having a bad day, how do you like to be nurtured?
When Julie was having a bad day, she wanted John to gently touch her and say, “Honey, I see you’re having a bad day. Want to tell me about it?”
One time, John saw Julie staring into the bathroom mirror with a tear running down her cheek as she brushed her long brown hair. While part of him preferred to continue watching the football game, he chose to give her his undivided attention. He gently walked up behind her, and cradled her waist in his arm. With a slow sweep of his other arm, he took the hair brush from her hand, and softly stroked her hair. As she inhaled a long deep breath, her eyes softened and her body relaxed into him. She felt safe, adored and cherished. He invited her to share, and she spoke from the innermost chamber of her heart as he made a soft cushion for her worries to land. Love, parading as words and tender glances, danced between their souls. When the sharing was complete, she felt heard and seen and loved. The familiar twinkle returned to her eyes, and they walked into the living room to watch the game together, snuggled up on the sofa.
I loved hearing Dr. John Gottman tell this story to a crowd of psychotherapist fans at a marriage conference last fall. Dr. Gottman is a famous research psychologist married to Julie, a psychotherapist. After observing a couple for 3 minutes, he can predict with 90% accuracy if they will still be married in 15 years. How can he do that? Over 20 years, he has distilled thousands of hours of research into bite size conclusions. Couples who enjoy happy marriages consistently do certain behaviors that couples who get divorced do not.
For example, couples who are masters of marriage turn toward each other instead of away. They accept each other’s bid for attention and nurturance, as illustrated in the story above.
John says that we require a minimum of 5 positive interactions to one negative interaction to create a loving relationship. Any less than that and the relationship is doomed. If we have 30 to 1 positive exchanges, we have a really happy relationship. When you have a bad day, how do you like to be nurtured? We’re all a little different. We all have our own love language, and what you want may not be what your partner wants. That’s why it’s important to first know yourself, and then to communicate that to your partner. Don’t assume that what works for you, works for your partner.
Giving and receiving nurturance just the way you both want it keeps the embers of love glowing month after month, year after year. Go ahead, ask your partner today, “When you are having a bad day, how do you want to be nurtured?” Even if you have been together for years, be open to learning one new thing today about your Beloved.
To learn more juicy facts about what makes people masters or disasters of marriage, join me for this month’s free “Flourishing Relationships” workshop. Click here for details.
Learn what you must do to ensure a happy, healthy marriage.
1. Identify the final stages of the death of a marriage and how to avoid them.
2. Pinpoint the 4 most disastrous communication mistakes.
3. Replace them with the top 4 behaviors every happily married couple practices.
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