What Happens Before Marriage Dies?
After twenty years of analyzing videos, physiological measurements and tracking more than 2,000 couples, Dr. Gottman (a research psychologist) compared the communication habits of couples who stayed married with couples who divorced within 15 years. He isolated 4 specific behaviors that unhappy couples use that predict divorce with a 93 percent accuracy rate.
4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse by John Gottman
1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. Examples: Generalizations: “you always…” “you never…”“you’re the type of person who …” “why are you so …”
2. Contempt: Attacking your partner’s sense of self with the intention to insult or psychologically abuse him or her.
• Insults and name calling: “wimp, fat, stupid, ugly, slob, lazy and worse …”
• Hostile humor, sarcasm or mockery
• Body language & tone of voice: sneering, rolling your eyes, curling your upper lip
3. Defensiveness: Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack
• Making excuses: (e.g., external circumstances beyond your control forced you to act in a certain way) “It’s not my fault…”, “I didn’t…”
• Cross-complaining: meeting your partner’s complaint or criticism with a complaint of your own, ignoring what your partner said
• Disagreeing and then cross-complaining: “That’s not true, you’re the one who …”
• Yes-butting: start off agreeing but end up disagreeing
• Repeating yourself without paying attention to what the other person is saying
• Whining “It’s not fair.”
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness
• Stony silence
• Monosyllabic mutterings
• Changing the subject
• Removing yourself physically
It behooves us all to stop using communication that kills relationships, and start practicing tools that make relationships flourish.
(The same communication skills apply to all relationships: business relationships, parent-child relationships, sibling relationships and friendships.)
To learn new effective skills so your relationships can flourish, call for a free 15-minute consultation: 770.998.6642
2) “S.M.A.R.T. Heart” Small Group. *
• Increase respectin your personal and business relationships.
• Communicate so everyone feels understood.
• Create win-win solutions with empathy.
• Stop losing yourself in a relationship.
• Learn appropriate boundary-setting and self-care skills.
• Develop highly functioning teams.
Click here for S.M.A.R.T. Heart Small Group.
Contact Us
Benita A. Esposito, MA.
Flourishing Lives for S.M.A.R.T. Women & the Men Who Love Them
1. Visit http://www.EspositoInstitute.com.
2. Email: Benita@EspositoInstitute.com
3. Phone: 770.998.6642 Young Harris, Georgia
Reference: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
Copyright 2010. The Esposito Institute, Inc. All rights reserved.
* S.M.A.R.T. = Spiritual + Mature + Authentic + Responsible + Trustworthy